Rest in Peace — Why You Can’t Sleep Next to Your Partner
Recently at my therapist’s office, I mentioned how much I struggle sleeping next to my boyfriend. She chuckled and said: “Trust me, you’re not the only one. This morning a client said that double beds are an invention straight out of hell.”
Granted, it’s wonderful to have a partner to fall asleep next to. But after years of sleeping next to so many people (next to them, not with them — get your heads out of the gutter), I have realized there are six intricate sleep types and some of them are not meant to sleep next to each other.
If you’ve had trouble sleeping next to certain people, this is your article. Finally, you will understand why you and your husband struggle so much in bed (pun intended). He might be a snuggler, while you’re a hermit (it will all make sense in a second).
Here is the typology:
Hermits
Hermits are happiest when they are left alone. They love having their bed all for themselves, no matter if it’s a single bed or a king-size. The hermit does not lust after luxury or fancy mattresses, they could sleep on the floor if need be. But the one luxury they crave after is being by themselves.
Hermits do not want their space to be invaded by their co-sleeper. If your partner is a hermit, make sure they have enough space for themselves and do not, I repeat, DO NOT even attempt to put an arm around them (I’m looking at you, snuggler!). In fact, don’t even breathe at them. Just let them be.
Contrary to common belief, hermits are often very cuddly people during daytime. In fact, many hermits tend to love holding hands, cuddling or getting massages. But the moment the lights are out and it’s officially sleeping time, you better let your hermit out of that embrace. If you follow these rules, your hermit will love you forever.
Rests in Peace with: Yogi, Performer
Match Made in Hell: Snuggler, Emperor
The Emperor
The Emperor is pretty much the opposite of a hermit. Emperors love space and they conquer it as soon as they enter the bed. Their body will stretch as far as possible to show who’s the boss here. Sometimes they hide their conquering strategies behind cuddles, so often a snuggler is a hidden emperor. That arm that was offered for you to sleep on is a sneaky trick to mark their territory. Don’t fall for those deceiving strategies.
An emperor would probably be happiest sleeping by themselves, but they are alright with having a snuggler next to them. After all, they get appreciation which they deeply crave.
Rests in Peace with: Snuggler
Match Made in Hell: Hermit, Queen, Performer
The Queen
Let’s get this clear: you will find queens in all genders. But there tends to be an overflow of female queens in the sleeping circles. A queen loves sleeping and I mean, LOVES it. In fact, they already start about an hour before bedtime with their rituals.
A typical queen has regular sleeping rituals, including (but not limited to): taking a bubble bath, drinking a hot beverage of their choice, meditating, reading a book, writing in their (gratitude) journal, drinking red wine, drawing into an adult coloring book and putting on their essential oil diffuser with a “good night” mixture.
A true queen indulges in several of these rituals before sleep. Queens wear either comfortable pajamas including fluffy socks, flannel sleep pants and ideally a hot water bottle (“It just makes me happy”) or a sexy sleeping dress (“I want to feel powerful when I wake up”).
Rests in Peace with: Hermit, Yogi
Match Made in Hell: Emperor, Performer
The Yogi
The Yogi is the spiritual linkage between a queen and a performer. Yogis are very mindful of their sleep and sleep rituals while at the same time embracing that life is chaos and whatever could happen will happen.
A classical yogi starts their bedtime rituals with some light Yin Yoga, followed by cord-cutting exercises, chakra cleansing, and energetic healing. After some (gratitude) journaling (see Queen), they will lie down on their bed for some Tension Release Exercises. A true yogi sleeps on their back, hands folded on their chest.
The big difference between a yogi and a queen is motivation and expectation. A yogi is motivated by connecting with the universe and the higher realms through his subconscious which is most alert during the dream state, while a queen just wants to have a good, comfy sleep. In case of any disturbances of their rituals and sleep, a queen will get annoyed up till enraged. A yogi, on the other hand, will look at the disturbance and ask “What is it here to teach me?”.
Yogis are perfect sleeping partners for most sleep types, as long as you don’t get annoyed by them asking “What makes you so tense tonight?” or “How about you try some restorative yoga with me?”. Also, you better get used to some gentle Buddhist choir singing “ Om mani padme hum “ in the background all night.
Rests in Peace with: Hermit, Queen
Match Made in Hell: Emperor
The Snuggler
Everyone loves a snuggler until they sleep next to one. Snugglers are the lovebirds of the night, they are driven by cuddles and human warmth. A snuggler will like to start the eve with some light cuddling in bed, falling asleep while they have an arm around you or fully enwrapped around your body — expect legs around yours, arms around your belly and head on top of yours. Basically, a snuggler wants to be as close to their co-sleeper as possible.
As much as this sounds lovely and sweet in theory, a snuggler can turn into a hidden emperor if you don’t give them what they want — which is human warmth. The moment you try to get out of the embrace, the snuggler will follow you across the bed. Most amazingly a snuggler does not need to be awake for this, in fact, most snugglers only get apparent once asleep (!). What seemed like a hermit in the first place, turns into a full-on snuggler once they start hitting the REM-state.
Sad truth is, a snuggler will always need a fellow snuggler to be happy. Pro-tip if you find yourself in bed with a snuggler (and ain’t a snuggler): give them a body-size pillow or two pillows (one for arms, one for legs — trust me on that one) if you want to avoid being snuggled all night & make your snuggler happy. If you’re are a snuggler and find a fellow snuggler, hold on to them for your dear life! This kind of sleep blissfulness is hard to come by.
Rests in Peace with: Snuggler
Match Made in Hell: Hermit, Performer
The Performer
Performers are a phenomenon that has emerged over the last two decades. With the rise of wearables and individual health tech, a performer finally has the chance to optimize the last part of its life that seemed to be out of their control: sleeping.
Sleep is the newest border the optimizing culture has crossed and it’s a big one: after all we spend one-third of our life sleeping. You can spot a performer based on their accesories. You will find them wearing fitbits, Oura rings and true dark glasses. In their room, you will discover a Wake-Up Therapy Light, a Casper mattress and inspirational posters (“You did not wake up today to be mediocre”).
A performer will know everything about circadian rhythms, biohacking, and sleep cycles. Honestly, don’t ask a performer about any of their tools if you don’t want to spend the next hour discussing the importance of no lights in the bedroom to release your body’s melatonin.
You will find a performer going to bed every night at the same time (don’t fuck with the sleep rhythm!). Most performers are easy to sleep next to, as long as you don’t second-guess any of their meticulously researched tools. All hell breaks loose if you turn on the light in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom (“the circadian rhythm, Susan!”).
Rests in Peace with: Yogi, Queen
Match Made in Hell: Yogi, Emperor
